So What's the Plan?

Psalm 139:16
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

Listen to Francesca Battistellii song Free to Be Me, from her My Paper Heart album
Songwriter: Francesca Battistelli, Ian Eskelin, Tony Wood
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKNLIkrHRf8&feature=related

The song starts out-
At twenty years of age, I’m still looking for a dream
A war’s already waged for my destiny
But You’ve already won the battle
And You’ve got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

At twenty years old, I surely couldn't see what God's plan for me was. I wasn't even considering what God wanted for me because I had already made plans. I just made adjustments when they didn't quite work out. You see, my original plan was to be the first in my family to graduate from college. I was going to be a psychologist. Great plan, huh?

‘Cause I’ve got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together but perfection is my enemy
On my own I’m so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see I’m free to be me

Speaking of adjustments; here's where the dents came in -- By the time I was 20 I had gotten married, had two children, and moved across the country; not exactly in that order. At 21 came baby number three and, by then, an unhappy marriage. At 26, I was working out of my home decorating cakes and babysitting to get ahead. I was driven, always searching for something more; perhaps that plan of mine. Nothing I did ever seemed to work out just right, though. Then, at a particularly tough time in my life, financially, I sincerely prayed. Not for help, but for money. I knew that was wrong and acknowledged that before God. I had been away from the church and never really prayed any more, but I needed some relief and He gave it to me.

When I was just a girl, I thought I had it figured out
See my life would turn out right and I’d make it here somehow
But things don’t always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

At 27, I got a real job and began taking every training course the company offered, and eventually began attending college classes. Along the way I did a lot of things I shouldn't have, but I was too proud to admit it. I got divorced and remarried, had my fourth child, and finally worked my way up to the big job, but I was still unsatisfied. I always felt like there was something missing in my life. Maybe I was searching for some redemption in all that work, or trying to make up for decisions I had made as a young woman. Maybe to make up for dreams lost. I started to think it might be too late, that I should just settle for how life turned out. It wasn't that bad after all. I had four great kids, by then two special grandchildren, (two more since then) and my husband and I had built a nice life together, despite several obstacles. So why was I so driven to find out what else I should be doing?

‘Cause I’ve got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together but perfection is my enemy
On my own I’m so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see I’m free to be me

The dents in my fenders came early, and late, as a result of being too independent. I've gone through more than a few pairs of jeans, stumbling clumsily on my own. I felt I had to do it my way. I didn't need anyone elses help, and certainly not God's. He had already answered my prayer. The rest must be up to me. Right?

And you’re free to be you
Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I’ve got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I’ve got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe, even though

Wrong. I began to soften while working on trying to accept this nice life of mine. Time will do that to a person. I began to realize my original dream had come true. I had graduated from college, had the house, the job, and the family. So now what? What else I should be doing? In my forties I began a church search to try and find out. I was raised going to church but got away from it in my teens. That's when I started "painting my own pictures", as my good friend would say, and not seeking Him. I visited several churches before finding one right in our neighborhood and finally started finding answers. I now understand that I was never alone; God was really with me all along. No matter what else was happening in my life I always had a job, and the job paid for all of my schooling. I’m not a psychologist, but I was able to accomplish what He planned for me and I’m using those tools here. As far as what He plans to do with me now, all I have to do was ask, and follow His direction. Now that I'm learning to do that, the feeling of discontent is leaving me. I feel more confident each day that I am doing what He wants me to do. I'm letting Him do the painting now, and life so much better.